So here's the deal...

Grab a seat, cause this is going to be a long one. I know my decision to leave PBA doesn't make a lot of sense to many people. Even less so since I turned in my resignation without having a "next job" lined up. I thought I really didn't care if people understood my reasoning as long as they respected the decision I've made. Well it turns out that I care a little more than I thought. That would be why I've decided to lay it all bear in this blog. So let's go back several months to last June...

So the past 2 summers I've gone to Colorado to volunteer with AIA for a couple weeks in Ft. Collins. Last June, while in CO, I distinctly felt God telling me to prepare my heart because He was calling me into full time ministry. My intitial reaction was "No way, not gunna happen, not this girl!" But then I started to really think and pray about the calling I was feeling. Before that day I would have said I planned to stay at PBA for the next 20 years. I loved my job and the athletes I'm responsible for. Of course I had my bad days and rough patches, but I was working with people I could really respect and enjoy. So I committed myself to praying about this random, out of no where calling, and prepared to return to my 4th year at PBA.

In August I returned to PBA and for some reason life just seemed way more difficult that it. I was discontent and restless. I felt...tied down and trapped. No by any one situation or even necessarily by my job, but just in my life. I continued to pray about discovery God's will for the next season of my life and I enlisted others to pray with and for me. I continued to serve my athletes and advise the FCA leadership team. I enjoyed the relationships that developed naturally through those roles, but still felt "off".

Fast forward to the beginning of the spring semester...the discontect has grown and my ability to sleep through the night has significantly dimished (not good!) Try however I might I could not move past what I thought was just a long standing "funk".

Let me share something I wrote in my journal in February...
"My joy is missing, I lost it somewhere. I hear God calling me somewhere new. Challenging me to walk away from what I know and step into the wide open unknown. I'm scared to take that step. There are so many things ($, insurance, pride, fear, concern for what other people will think) that are holding me in place. It would be "easier" if the choice were taken from my hand, but I want the testimony that comes with stepping out in faith. Is that wrong? My heart seeks joy and peace and contentment and I now to experience those to the fullest I must trust God and seek Him. I am not good enough to warrent His blessing. Is it all in my head? Have I manufactured this scenerio in my mind or is it truley God's spirit moving me into making this decision and move? What do I do?"

And now March...
"Is it time? Do I have to give up all my worldly security to grab hold of God's truth in my life? Do I have enough faith to do that? Do I trust God enough? How do I know that this prompting is of God and not in my own head? Am I seeking glory? Can I trust myself to serve God selflessly? Why do I feel like I am the only person to feel this way when I know that is not the truth? Does God relly want me in His service? Am I crazy? Is God keeping me awake at night? Why is my soul not quiet? Will this path lead to peace in this life? Is this just a season or a new direction? What if I take this step and it takes me off God's true plan for me, what will happen to me then? Will God bless a step of misguided faith? Or a misguided step of faith? What does God want me to do? Who does God want me to be? Where does God want me to be? When will I know His plan for me in this time? Can I serve? Can I really do this? Can I turn my back on wordly expectations and cling to the obscure images I have of waht God is calling me to? Who am I in Him? How will I beome the woman He wants me to be?"

As you can see I was seriously conflicted. The bottom exerpt was written on Palm Sunday. Just 2 days before I turned in my notice. That day I bawled through the entire service at church and I went up front at the end of the service to speak with my paster. I told him about the calling I was feeling to leave my current job, with out a safety net or back up plan, and all about my fear in taking that kind of step. He said one thing to me that enabled me to finally make the decision to surrender to God's plan and leave PBA. He said, "Jen, it is better to make a misstep attempting to follow after God's plan for your life, than to stay still out of fear."

So I did it. I turned in my notice, told the staff and students and began to plan for the big move and my 6 weeks in Colorado. I can't explain the sense of peace and freedom I have right now. Sure I have my little moments of anxiety because of the uncertainty of my future...but I just keep reminding myself that my future is certain to God and that I can trust Him completely. "He has my back" is more or less my mantra these days.

I don't expect this blog post to answer all the questions everyone has for me. But I hope it helps clarify things a bit. This is not a decision I made lightly or even very quickly. I truely am seeking to live out God's will for my life and I pray He will bless this leap of faith. But even if He doesn't "come through" quite like I expect or hope, even if I fall on my face, my God is and will always be God and I will continue to worship and praise Him with my life. Like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego I belive my God can deliver me, but even if He chooses not to He is still my God and I pray I will always be faithful.