"It's 'Be still and know that I am God'...not 'Be still and know the plan'" :)

OK can we please talk about how amazing God is?! Seriously, He does the coolest things! Last night at our "Share and Prayer" time I shared my testimony with the Project staff. I told them about my grad school mess and my transformation at PBA and then I told them about how I have felt God calling me in a new direction and how that calling has resulted me leaving PBA and not having a clue what is next. I shared about my habit of trying to predict God and getting disappointed when things fall through. I told them I'm trying to just do what God has asked and trust and wait on Him. Not the easiest thing for a planner to do, but I'm trying.

So then...this morning at church the pastor's message was on Acts 16:1-10. The first 5 verses are about Paul's ministry, how he recruited Timothy to join his ministry, and what their first few stops were like. Verses 6-10 is where it gets interesting....

"Paul and his companions traveled throughout the region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching the word in the province of Asia. When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to. So they passed by Mysia and went down to Troas. During the night Paul had a vision of a man of Macedonia standing and begging him, "Come over to Macedonia and help us." After Paul had seen the vision, we got ready at once to leave for Macedonia, concluding that God had called us to preach the gospel to them."

Do you see it?? Paul had a plan to retrace his steps from his first ministry journey, that was his plan. But God had a different plan. He, via the Spirit, prevented Paul and his team from entering into Asia and Bithynia...and instead directed them to Troas where they met up with Luke (the author of Acts). It was while the team was in Troas that He, God, gave Paul a vision to get up and go to Macedonia (which wasn't even on Paul's radar). So Paul and his companions, including Luke, went immediately to minister in Macedonia and God blessed thier ministry richly.

Parallel much? I really felt like God put that message on the pastor's heart to minister directly to me today. And apparently so did everyone else on the staff team, because they all said something. HAHAHA, it was pretty funny!

The pastor offered advice about what to do when you find yourself "in the fog," not knowing where God is going to put you next.
1) Don't force your move -- Galatians 5:16,
2) Find today's blessing,
3) Step where you can see -- Psalm 119:105 and Proverbs 4:18,
4) Get close with God when you are confused,
5) Seek inside yourself and determine if you are willing -- 2 Chronicles 16:9.
Good Advice!!

The challenge: Are you willing to allow God to redirect your life? Would you go? You never know where God will lead you...if you find doors being shut keep seeking God, chances are He's preparing to bless you in a mighty big way!

Please pray that I can continue to stay faithful to God's calling and that I allow Him to fully direct my path and place me where He desires me to be.

The Mountains

"As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people both now and forevermore." Psalm 125:2 NIV

My friend Dee shared this verse with me today as we were walking back from Starbucks after having a nice iced grande half-caf Americano 2 pumps white mocha, 2 pumps hazelnut, some non-fat milk and one sweet and low...yeah she ordered it and I said, "I'll have the same". Worked out nicely since it was significantly cheaper than the grande non-fat mocha I usually would order. Ok, now that we have my Starbucks order accounted for let's get on to the good stuff...or should I say God stuff.

So when Dee was doing her quiet time this morning she was reading a few passages in Psalms and this verse she said made her think of me and my current situation. I've been saying a lot that "God has my back, God has my back" and she wanted to remind me that God isn't just standing behind me pushing me forward or propping me up, but He also goes before me and clears the path, He surrounds me like a hug, pure love and protection and He stands beside me and offers support and encouragement, and even challenges along the way. What a great God we serve. Read the verse again. God is surrounding me like the mountains surround the city of Jerusalem, now and FOREVERMORE!!

Just a few verses later in Psalm 126:3, "The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy".

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength. And He has got me, completely, fully, 100%!

one long trip...and that was just getting here!

I am sitting here, all alone in the the Project House. A rare treat to be sure! Those of you that know me really know me know much I value my time alone to just mellow out. I love being on Project, but I have to savor these moments when I have them.

So tonight will be my first full night in the house since I didn't actually get to Fort Collins until around 2:30am last night/this morning. Yesterday was a crazy travel day for me and with out getting into all the gory details I'll just say I spent 5 unexpected hours in St. Louis waiting for weather in Denver to clear, finally arrived in Denver 6 hours late and then proceeded to wait another 2 hours to collect another intern from her flight which was also delayed. All total I was traveling from 11am eastern time to 2:30am mountain (4:30 eastern) yesterday. It was a LOOOOONG day!

One of the great things about travel delays (if there is a good thing about a travel delay) it's that it gives a person a lot of opportunity to get things done. While I was sitting for 2 hours in the terminal at St. Louis yesterday I actually wrote a post to put on here. It was all about friendships and how people hurt each other, ya da ya da ya da. Essentially, it was a very self-serving, passive aggressive bit of writing. Since I would have to pay $8 just to get on the Internet in the airport I chose to type what I wanted to say and save it as a word document intending to post it once I got to the house. I will not be posting what I wrote yesterday...at least not what I intended to post....

God has a funny way of working in my heart and mind. After spending 2.5 hours sitting in the terminal, we got to spend another 2 hours sitting on the plane on the runway...more fun. I decided to put that time to good use to read an article that Colby (the Project Director) emailed us. The article is called "Moving from Solitude, to Community, to Ministry" by Henri Nouwen. I have actually skimmed this same article the past 2 summers but this time I read it God really used parts of the Community section to deal in my heart with the post I had written just an hour earlier. After reading the article I wrote a little in my journal and I'm going to share that now:

Nouwen says, "With-in the discipline of community are the disciplines of forgiveness and celebration...What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is to allow the other person to not be God. Forgiveness says," I know you love me, but you don't have to love me unconditionally because no human can do that." To forgive others for being able to give you only a little love--that's a hard discipline. To keep asking others for forgiveness because you can only give them a little love--that's a hard discipline, too"

Hello, shot of humility. Humble pie for sure! I hear you Lord, loud and clear. I can acknowledge that I'm hurt, but I have to forgive imperfect people because we are all imperfect. It is hypocritical of me to call someone to task for behaviors that I myself exhibit. Trying to inflict pain because I hurt, that doesn't lead to community and it can only hurt my ministry. That isn't saying I should go back to being a doormat...but I should understand that imperfect people make messed up decisions. Imperfect people hurt other imperfect people. And since we are all imperfect we have all probably been at both sides of those exchanges at one point or other. It's not for me to judge or intentionally hurt someone. That wont make me feel better, at least not in the long run. All I can do is try to love the way Christ loves, imperfect as I am.

.......

I'm confused. Initially, when I decided to leave PBA and follow after God's plan for my life, I thought I had a pretty decent understanding as to what that would mean and where I would end up. I was 95% sure I was supposed to leave PBA and move back to the Pensacola area to live with family and get a job to pay down my debt so I could join AIA staff full time. So that's what I was going to do. I began looking into jobs in the P'Cola area, just to see what's available up that way and guess what I discovered....there aren't any jobs up that way. Awesome! Still I trusted that God would provide. I have time.

Let me just take a quick time out here to say that I still trust God will provide and I do still believe He has something great planned for my next step...I'm just becoming increasingly confused as to what and where that might be.

Ok so, going back a couple weeks out of the blue I get a call asking me to apply for a position that I NEVER would have considered if I were still at PBA. But the more I thought and prayed about this opening the more I became convinced that that was where God was leading me. So then...yeah, there's a then....I got a call today that they have actually offered the position to someone else. Supposedly there is still a good possibility that the person they offered it to will ultimatly decline, but I just don't know. I do know I am a good fit for that position. I know that there are so many ways I can see that path fitting in with God's plan. And I know that if that's where I'm ultimatly supposed to go next then God will make it happen...but it's just so confusing and a little defeating. I'll admit, I honestly didn't think I would struggle to find some form of employment... So now I'm trying to figure out if I should just start applying all over the place to see what opens up for me, or if I wait this out and see....

I know God's got me. I know this will all work out. I know that when the timing is right, accoridng to His timing, God will reveal the next step to me. I'm trying to be faithful, patient, trusting, and all those other things a good Disciple is supposed to be. But like the Disciples of the Bible, I struggle with doubt, fear, anxiety, faithlessness, depression, and weakness. Maybe the key is to stop trying to "figure out God" and just rest in His Grace, Mercy, Peace, Strength, Security and Goodness. He's Got Me!! I will not fall, I will not fail. My future may not be what I expected, or even what I desire right now, but ultimatly I pray it is for His Glory and for my growth as His child. I'm your's Lord, send me, I will go.

Disney Days and an Empty(ish) Apartment

This past weekend (Sunday night through Wednesday morning) I went to Disney World with my parents, my sister Shanna, my neice Ashlie and my nephew Bryson. In case you don't know, Disney is magical! I know I'm 28 and supposed to be too cool for all of that, but I have to admit I get a special feeling when I walk through the gates of the Magic Kingdom and catch my 'first' glimpse of Main Street and the Castle. And being their with my precious A and B makes it even more amazing. By the end of the few days we had there I was dying..my feet were killing me, my back hurt, and I was exhausted...but it was so worth it! I spent WAY too much money on the kids, but that's what aunts do, and the candied Mickey apple was definitely a "must have" item! ;)

Yesterday dad and I drove back to WP to load as much of my stuff as possible in the small trailer mom uses for her art shows and the back of his explorer. It's amazing how much stuff I have!! After all that we did I still have a couch, coffee table, cedar chest, armour, wing back chair, rocking chair, and dresser in my apartment. It's so weird to see it bare, but not totally bare. I have to get through the next 5 days with out a car or TV or actually the ability to cook in my apartment. That's nuts!! This whole following after God thing is great and all. It really is. But it stresses me out. hahaha. Not in a "what on earth am I doing?" way, but more in a "Lord, where are you sending me, and just exactly when are you going to share that information with me?" kinda way. I know He's got me...I just want to see where He's taking me!

Emotional Intelligence

First off can I please tell you that in the title of this post I initially misspelled "intelligence" and had to check the book cover to get the correct spelling?...yea, off to a good start! ;)

In preparation for Colorado Project all the staff and interns had to do this EQi assessment that basically asks you a lot of questions that you answer on a likert scale. Then you recieve this packet of information that tells you what areas of emotional intelligence you are strong at and which you need to work on. I'm definitely over simplifying the process and science of this assessment, but if you want more information you can look up "The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success" by Stein and Book.

So, based solely off my packet (I have a phone meeting w/ Nicole tonight to go over all of this) I need to do some work on the areas of self-regard and assertiveness...yea, no big suprises there! Seriously though...I scored significantly lower on those to subscales than on any of the other 13, they were the only ones my score registers as an "area for enrichment" some others come close, but are still considered "effective functioning". In none of the subscales did I score "enhanced skills" so I guess there's room for improvement across the board when it comes to my emotional intelligence. I'm not terribly shocked, but it's kinda funny to see it in plain black and white like that. At least now I have a pretty good idea what my mentor and I are going to be working on improving in me over the summer!

Time to work on thinking good thoughts about myself and speaking my mind a bit more!! ;) There I go over simplifying things again!

For the Sake of the Call

They played this song at church this morning that I had never heard before, but that spoke so clearly to how I desire to live my life that I absolutely had to share it with you. The song is "For the Sake of The Call" by Steven Curtis Chapman. It is about the response of the disciples to Jesus's call for them to turn from thier lives and follow Him. It is a radical calling. Faith, true faith, requires action. Salvation is not about "accepting" Jesus, but surrendering your everything to the one true Lord.

Nobody stood and applauded them

So they knew from the start

This road would not lead to fame

All they really knew for sure

Was Jesus had called to them

He said "come follow Me" and they came

With reckless abandon, they came

Empty nets lying there at the water's edge

Told a story that few could believe

And none could explain

How some crazy fishermen agreed to go where Jesus went

With no thought to what they would gain

For Jesus had called them by name

And they answered...

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call

No other reason at all but the sake of the call

Wholly devoted to live and to die for the sake of the call

The sake of the call

Drawn like rivers are drawn to the sea

There's no turning back, for the water cannot help but flow

Once we hear the Savior's call, we'll follow wherever He leads

Because of the love He has shown

And because He has called us to go

We will answer...

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call

No other reason at all but the sake of the call

Wholly devoted to live and to die

Not for the sake of a creed or a cause

Not for a dream or a promise

Simply because it is Jesus who called

And if we believe we'll obey

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call

No other reason at all but the sake of the call

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call

No other reason at all but the sake of the call

Wholly devoted to live and to die for the sake of the call

For the sake of the call

We will abandon it all

I want to live like that. I desire to have a radical faith because I want to be a pleasure to God. I don't want to waste this life He's given me, I want to serve Him. And that means pushing my comfort zone...which is very...uncomfortable. And possibly it means Him leading me to places I never expected, or even considered. I pray I will be faithful for the sake of the call.

My Funny, Funny Abba Father

All I can say right now is that God sure has a sense of humor! In the Bible, God is referred to as "Abba Father", which is roughly translated as "daddy". I've always thought there is a major difference between a father and a daddy...it does not take much to be a father (in fact just one simple act), but it takes a lifetime of commitment to be a daddy. Daddies have personality, they have compassion, they express love and model the way thier children should grow, and live, and be. If my earthly daddy can have a great sense of humor (which he does!) then it is only to be expected that my heavenly Daddy, who is perfect in all things, would have the absolute greatest sense of humor! It's a funny relationship we have, me and my God. I know He laughs with me, and sometimes I'm sure He laughs at me...but the times I enjoy the most is are those time He makes me laugh. He makes me giggle, chuckle, belly laugh. Sometimes I just have to say "Really, God? Really..?" and then just laugh.... :)

Pictures!

With 2 of my favorite former athletes/friends.

Baseball players...the good ones! ;)

With my student Carrie, she had to put up with my insanity ALL YEAR!!!

Me and my soccer boys!

So as I said last night was great. I felt so loved and blessed by those people that took time away from thier busy lives (and during finals week!) to come and love on me a little bit. Here are just a few of the great photos from last night.

loved!!!

I am feeling so loved right now!! Tonight was my big going away shibang and it was good, great, grand...wonderful! Coworkers, friends, and athletes all came out to wish me well and say goodbye (even though I technically have another 22 days here in WP.) I am so priviledged to have had the opportunity to share my life with such fabulous people these past 4 years! Thanks to Em and Brit for pitching in and helping Holly orchastrate the great scrapbook full of love notes...ok not love notes, but close enough. Thanks to Dawn for the cake and Karem for the decorations, you guys are too sweet. And Holly....I don't even know what to say. Words cannot express how precious our friendship is to me! Thankfully we both realize that this move is far from being goodbye, just a see ya later...sucks that we wont be spending all day, everyday together anymore, but our friendship will survive!! ;) Seriously though, I had a great time tonight and am so grateful for the cards, gifts, pictures and memories that were shared with me. I promise to post some pictures soon...there are some good ones!! All my love!

Friends

Through-out my life I have been blessed with the most amazing friends and family. Whether those relationships have lasted 20+ years or just a few months they have all shaped the woman I am becoming today. This weekend I've had the great fortune of getting to spend time with a few of these special people and it's gotten me thinking about my past, present and future friendships. I've realized I have this really bad habit of "shutting down" whenever I'm dealing with a difficult situation or making a big life change. When I was graduating HS and preparing to move to Orlando I remember my dad getting on to me because I was exceptionally snippy toward my family, exceedingly moody whenever I was home, and basically just not too fun to be around. It was almost as if I was trying to start fights to make it easier for me to move without the pain and heartache that always accompanies leaving those closest to you to go somewhere new. As someone who struggles to develop relationships with people because of my own insecurities and hangups, I often have found it "easier" to almost avoid people, even good friends, whenever I'm in the midst of a personal struggle not only to save them the hassel, but save myself the pain that inevitably comes with the next move. I've caught myself doing both those things (getting snippy or just avoiding people and situations) a couple times this week. I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with (work with) this past year, but this is a different thing. This is a behavior I need to get undercontrol or risk alienating my friends here in West Palm just before I leave. Leaving is hard, even though it's my decision, it's still hard. I have, against all odds, been blessed with some amazing friendships since I moved to WP and I am going to miss my S. FL. friends terribly once I move. I must make sure to put everything I have into making these last 3 weeks great. There is so much to fit it, so many things I want to do, people I want to spend real, quality time with, before I get on that plane on the 25th. I am going to "fight the funk" that I'm so predisposed to in order to make these last few outings as enjoyable as they can be. If you see me don't let me succumb to this ridiculousness. Get me out of my house, don't allow me to hide from my future by pretending it's not happening. Keep me in your prayers as I'm preparing myself mentally, physically, and spiritually to make this move. Call me out if I'm being stupid...it happens more often than I care to admit!

New Type of Move

I was thinking today how weird it feels to be moving...again. I have moved so much since I left Pensacola 10 years ago. Wow...I can't believe it's been 10 years!! For some reason this move seems different. I'm having a harder time reconciling myself to the move, which is a bit odd since it was my decision. So I thought about this today. Why is this move any different from the rest? I left home at 18 to start college in Orlando. Then I left UCF in 2004 for graduate school. I moved away from Columbia, SC and headed to WPB 4 years ago to start my first "real" job. And now I'm leaving WPB to pursue the future God has chosen for me...whatever that may be. Do you see the break in the pattern? Every move up until this one was expected, anticipated, "normal". This one literally came out of left field and considering the circumstances could be considered anything buty "normal". This is the first time I've made a decision to move that wasn't based on what would be considered "the next logical step". This is the very first time in my life I'm basically walking away from what is safe, predictable, "normal" and instead trying something that doesn't fall in any plan I ever had. I guess that's why it's different. This move wasn't really expected. I haven't really mentally prepared myself for this one like I did the others. And this time I am the only one moving. Almost every other time several people left whereever I was at the same time...generally because we had graduated from whatever school we were in at the time. This time, well this time it's just me. It was my decision. Not based on the end of anything, at least not a "set" end. I don't even know if any of this makes sense to anyone but me. But at least I have identified why this one is so different. Interesting....well, at least it is to me! ;)