Is this my life?

I catch myself saying that a lot lately. It's been amazing to actually have free time and not constantly be running from one place to another or chasing teams down. Since basketball doesn't start practice until next Monday I haven't even had to realy worry about anything athletic...aside from setting some time away each day to do rehabs (assuming anyone shows up). I've been home pretty much every day by 5, I've been able to go workout in the evenings if I so choose, and I've actally been able to have some simbalance of a social life on says that aren't Sunday. It's crazy! I have really been enjoying teaching which is actually a pretty big change from when I taught at PBA. Don't get me wrong, I liked it well enough there, but I never felt as effective or passionate about it as I knew I could be. I never had time to actually prepare for my classes so my lectures were really just me reading off the slides that came with the text...not exciting at all. Now since I prepped the classes myself and have time to re-review the material before walking into lecture, I can actually enjoy the experience of being in front of the class, not just giving the necessary information, but sharing my experiences and the experiences of others I know and have worked with. I feel like I'm coming from a much different place than ever before. I certainly don't have it all figured out and I'm sure once things get going with the team I'll go just a touch crazy, but for now it's all good. I'm starting to develop relationships with my students and athletes which always makes me happy.

The weather in Jackson has been amazing. I've been in awe when I go outside and even thought it's warm out still there is sometihng about the very slight "chill" you can just barely feel in the breeze. It's like fall is just right there...waiting to take over. Now at 6 am and 10pm when the sun's not out and I'm walking around with the dogs...then it's chilly for this former south Floridian...but I'm excited for it. I do need to figure out though if I need to do something for my girls so their paws don't get all messed up walking around on the cold ground....or do they just deal with it?

Holly had her baby this week. Little Lillian Noelle Hill has finally graced the world with her presence and from the pictures I've seen she's pretty dang beautiful. I can only think of 2 or 3 more amazingly gorgeous infants....but I'm kinda biased to them. ;) By all accounts Holly is doing well and Greg is absolutely smitten. I cannot wait to visit in October and see the little one I prayed so hard for last winter. It's hard being away from my friends with all the excitement going on, but I know they know that I am where God wants me. I do pray Hol and I get to work together again some day...I'm trying to convince her that she and Greg would LOVE Jackson!

I am in the process of planning a trip to Florida in October to meet Lilly and to go to Disney with my family. I'm going to fly down on Thursday to Orlando and go to Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party that night with my family. Probably do Disney most of the day on Friday and head to WPB that late afternoon. I'll spend that night with Hol and Greg (assuming that's still cool) and the next morning as well. The men's soccer team has a game that Saturday afternoon so I'll probably stay for that and then head back to Disney for more family time before flying back to TN on Sunday. It's going to be a whirlwind trip...but that's how most of my travels are.

So all in all things are good. I'm still on the hunt for a church. There are bits I like of all 3 I've visited, but none of them seem like "home". I'll find the right one soon I hope! You can be praying for that.

Ok that's all. I'll try to update again soon....

~Jen

Hello Jackson!

I have officially been in my apartment in Jackson for 1 week! This is nuts. I can't realy explain the mental gymnastics I'm going through. It's really weird..I feel like I'm waiting to see my old kids at PBA, and work with my best friend, and deal with all the drama that I only have to hear about now. In some ways I miss my "old life," but at the same time I'm so excited about my new path. Starting over, again, isn't really scary for me. Maybe that's partly because I'm comfortable on my own. It's funny (kind of, and yet a little frustrating) to hear what some people from back in WP are saying about me and this transition. I know I can't expect them to understand necessarily, but is it really too much at as to be supportive and to just believe me when I say that I'm just trying to follow God's plan for me?

Enough of that. So, I'm in Jackson. In my 1 bedroom apartment (which is larger than my place in WP) with my 2 little girls. "My girls" are two mini-schnauzers Zoe and Hannah. Both are rescue puppies..well they're 3 but they still act like babies. Zoe has been living with my mom and dad for the past year or so, she was abandoned on the side of the road by my aunts horse farm. She is a super sweet, super soft, little love. Then there's Hannah. Hannah was rescued from a puppy mill in Mississippi about a month ago. I adopted her through UnderDogs Rescue, a great local dog rescue in Ft. Walton. Hannah is white to the point of looking pink. She is so playful, a bit hyper and "barky", and very intent are reclaiming her lost puppyhood. She definitely tries my patience a bit, but still sooooo sweet. She doesn't understand kids, and the first time she saw a TV she was totally lost. She's definitely a little baby, such a love.

Classes start at Union on Tuesday. I'm teaching 3 classes this fall and I'm really not prepared for any of them! I'll get there...Just have to take it one day at a time. I'll be teaching Lower Extremity Evaluation, Care and Prevention of Athletic Injuries, and Clinical V which is basically a therapeutic exercise review and competency class. I've never taught any of these courses, but thankfully they have old syllabi and power points for me to reference. Of course I'm basically rewriting the lectures, but at least there's a jumping off point!

Ok so that's all for now. Maybe I'll update you again while it's still August! ;)

Home

So I've been home for just over a week now and I keep waiting for "post-project depression" to hit and it just isn't happening. I imagine that should be a positive thing. hahaha. I think the main reason I'm coping so well is that I went straight from one abnormal living arrangement to another (yes, at 28 and after 10 years away being in my parent's house for an extended period of time is abnormal). Add to that realizing that I will not actually ever be in what I'm used to as "normal" since my next stop is a short visit in WPB, followed by a couple days in Otown for a wedding I cannot wait for (cutest dress ever!), then it'll be time to load up and move to Jackson. Yes, "I'm going to Jackson"...I've had that song sung to me so many times.... I've spent the past week trying to figure out all those things that one has to figure out for a move such as this. For instance... I either sold or donated ALL of my furniture. Well almost all of my furniture. All I kept was a white desk and and Ikea butcher block corner unit thingy w/ 2 stools. So basically all the comfortable stuff...yay, don't have it. Or I should say didn't have it. Since getting home last week I've purchased a beautiful Ashley bedroom set. Queen, 4 poster bed with mattress and box spring, side table and dresser w/ mirror. It's gorgeous!!! Then I bought an Ashley living room set (these are 2 seperate purchases from different people/places). It's a great light green couch, chair and ottoman. I'm really happy with what I have an cannot wait to see my new apartment and get it all set up. How weird is it that in just a couple weeks I'll be starting a whole new chapter of my life. I feel like I'm just killing time right now in Pensacola, and I guess technically that's what I'm doing. But it has been so nice to spend some real chill time with my family. Especially since everyone is in the P'cola area. I even got to see a few great friends this past weekend which was a suprise, but very welcome, and I get to see some more this coming week. God is so good, and He has blessed me so much! I cannot wait to get on with this new path He's set my feet too. It's so funny to me looking back at what my life could be like right now if I hadn't set my mind to follow His plan instead of my own. I have ZERO doubt that I would be MISERABLE right now. And yet, I'm filled with ancitipation and excitement for my new adventure. Of course I miss my friends in WP. But I know that the ones that really matter will be a part of me always.

The students are entering into their last week on project in Colorado. It's weird having no idea what they've been dealing with or how God's been working. I am looking forward to getting a full report!!! Keep praying that they are just totally rocked by God this last week...it'll be so cool to hear the stories!!

Alright friends, time to go get more work done. Have a great night!

Yes, yes...I'm alive

I know, I'm sorry. It's been forever since I posted anything. To be fair though I did write a post last week, but I wrote it in word and for some reason my computer wont let me copy and paste it into the blog field (if you have any hints on how to make that happen I'd love to post what I wrote..but I'm not going to rewrite it).

Life in the house continues to be absolutely crazy! I feel like I have something to do or someone to meet with or talk to like every hour of the day. It's been an amazing experience and I've had a ton of fun, but I am definitely beginning to feel a little worn down. I'm trying to throw myself fully into this last week and enjoy every last opportunity I have to get to know our students and staff and just enjoy sharing life together. I really enjoy the community hear and surprisingly (for me) I haven't gotten overly frustrated with the apparent lack of alone time...especially since I am sharing my room. Major accomplishment for me!! YAY!! hahaha. But in all seriousness I booked my flight home to Pensacola, I'll be flying in on the 15th and I'm super excited. Can't wait to spend some time with the fam and live in a house with AC!! ;)

For those of you who haven't heard yet I have accepted a faculty position as an assistant professor at Union University. I start on August 16th. Today I secured an apartment and I'm planning on moving up that way around the 12th. This is really happening and it's just CRAZY!! I'm very excited for this new adventure God has me on, though I have to admit it's not what I expected when He called me to leave PBA. It will certainly be interesting...

Speaking of jobs, last night we gave our project students thier "jobs" for the 3 weeks they are here after the staff leaves. See they will actually live here and run project without any AIA staff or interns here to help them or lead them. It's a great opportunity for them to stretch and to grow. I haven't had an opportunity yet today to talk with any of them about their jobs so I'm excited to go to dinner and process some of this with them. I can't wait to hear what they get up to after we leave (which brings up another rule...we can't have any contact with the students between the day we leave the house and the day the students pack up and leave...that's 3 weeks). I'm sure they will have some interesting stories to share!

Alrighty, time to go and vedge out for a bit before dinner. I hope all are doing well!!

~Loves!!!

Oh..PS...I get my hair cut tomorrow...I'll try to remember to post pics!

I know, I know....bad Jen....

Ok so it's been like a week since I last updated you on my life here in Colorado. It's just been such a good, but crazy week I haven't had a moment to think, let alone type a blog post. ;) So here I am, 3 weeks in to my 6 weeks stay....man it's gone fast!! Last week we had the SPECIAL which is literally one of the most amazing events to watch. SPECIAL stands for Spiritual Principles + Exhaustion = Confidence in Almighty Lord. Self-explanatory right? Ok maybe not. So essentially from 6 pm on Friday to around 1 pm on Saturday the athletes on the Colorado Project compete in different athletic events, with only short breaks for transition periods or for Gospel presentations and prayer. I say this is an amazing event because in no other arena in my life at least have I been able to witness God working and moving in such a powerful way in so many peoples lives at the same time. This is the 3rd SPECIAL I've "worked" and while it was very different from the past 2 years, it was still amazing. Students really learned what it means to rely on God for thier strength in a very practicle way and many met Him in a new and different way.

Here are some pics....

Nothing like men who pray....

2010 Colorado Project Staff Team

Golgotha.....

Cross Country team relay

Pull up station.....The worst stop on the obstacle course!!!

Our Awesome 2010 Students

sharing life

Since I have now been in Fort Collins, CO for almost 2 full weeks I thought it was about time to share some pictures to give you an idea of where I've been living and working since May 26th...

This is my house! It was originally an AXO sorority house, but now it is a Christian living house. AIA rents it for the summer just for Project. We currently have 17 girls, 9 boys, and 10 single staff/interns living in the house. The first floor is all general living space...living room, meeting room, kitchen, dining room. 2nd floor is for the girls, 3rd is for the boys, and the basement is our staff meeting room, game room, prayer room, laundry room, and bike storage.

The picture on the Left is our meeting room.

The picture on the Right is that same room during an impromptu dance party with our students.

This is a bit of the prayer room...

And this is the Prayer and Praise Grafitti Wall I built in the Prayer Room.....

So those are just a few pictures of the house to hoepfully give you an idea of what it's like. I promise I'll post more pics from the labs and SPECIAL this week...but probably not until next week.

Taking a Break

If you know me at all you probably know that I require lots of alone time to just sit and process...or to just be alone. There's not a lot of that in the Project house and there will be even less of that now that the students arrive today. Colby, our project director, is great at reminding us to take some time for ourselves to do quiet times and recharge our batteries...problem is I'm not great at taking that time, even though I know I need it. In the moment I usually think I'm fine...it's not until a day or two later that I start to get irritable because I haven't been able to escape at all. I need to be more assertive at laying claim to my alone time, and not feel bad about doing something that I need and that makes me a nicer person when I do "go back to reality."

So that's actually what I'm doing right now. All my actual jobs are done for today and we are in the middle of "git'er done time" which is basically just free time to finish up last minute things before students arrive. I did what I needed to do and now I'm sitting here, ALONE, sharing my thoughts with you people and just chilling out. I love just sitting and listening to music, being still. I'm still working on taking the contentment I have in those moments and carrying them over into my actual quiet times with God...instead of making my times of study and prayer just check marks on my days. Practice makes perfect right.

For those of you that are following my current career...path, leap, confusion...here's a brief update. I am not moving to Ohio. I had thought for sure for about a month that God was leading me to move up that way and take a job at a Christan school that is very near AIA head quarters...but in the end He shut that door. (BTW..something I'm working on this summer is to stop trying to predict God's plan for me!). So , that was a pretty significant let down. Not that I was especially thrilled to move to somewhere sooooo cold, but I was going to go if that's where God wanted me. I got the call on Tuesday that they filled that position..which made Tuesday a rough day. On Wednesday I got a call from another school I'd applied to and basically had a great, impromptu 40 minute phone interview. They called my references on Thursday, and called me again yesterday to talk about scheduling a time to fly me out to Tennessee for an on campus interview! I'm pretty excited about the opportunity, but I'm trying to remind myself not to get too overly invested and psyched until I figure out if the position is a fit and if that's actually where God wants me. Please keep me in prayer as I'm trying to seek God's will for me. So far He's made it pretty clear that my next season wont be in West Palm, Pensacola, or Ohio...so the search is still on and I'm still trusting in God's provision and guidanve!! :)

Ah, I feel better...yay, alone time!!! Maybe I can go play nice with others now! ;)

Rough Stuff...

Yesterday was a difficult day in my world. We are in the middle of staff prep week, which means that it's time to start discussing and processing some of our junk with each other. So on top of being tired from staying up late into the evenings working on "atmosphere" stuff for the house, and sitting in the staff room for hours on end discussing ministry tools, plans for Project, etc...we got to sit down and work through our EQi's (emotional intelligence). Not as fun as it sounds. haha. Add to that emotional unpacking, yesterday I got a call that I did not get a job I thought I was perfect for and that was going to be perfect me...I didn't even get a formal interview. Needless to say I was incredibly frustrated. I was upset and that made me even more vulnerable...awesome... I definitely cried in my peer group EQi time because I was talking about the things I need to work on (assertiveness and self regard). Both those issues are the result of years and years of deep seated insecurities and having to go through all of those emotions in front of women I don't know super well...very difficult. But I survived and, aside from being tired after all the upheaval of yesterday, I am feeling pretty good. I'm looking forward to getting through staff prep week and the student's arrival on Saturday. Next week will be crazy and intense, but we have tomorrow off which is awesome. I think I'm going to waste some money on a pedicure because that makes me feel good...then I'll probably grab a book and go to City Park to just lay in the sun and relax..heavenly!!

"It's 'Be still and know that I am God'...not 'Be still and know the plan'" :)

OK can we please talk about how amazing God is?! Seriously, He does the coolest things! Last night at our "Share and Prayer" time I shared my testimony with the Project staff. I told them about my grad school mess and my transformation at PBA and then I told them about how I have felt God calling me in a new direction and how that calling has resulted me leaving PBA and not having a clue what is next. I shared about my habit of trying to predict God and getting disappointed when things fall through. I told them I'm trying to just do what God has asked and trust and wait on Him. Not the easiest thing for a planner to do, but I'm trying.

So then...this morning at church the pastor's message was on Acts 16:1-10. The first 5 verses are about Paul's ministry, how he recruited Timothy to join his ministry, and what their first few stops were like. Verses 6-10 is where it gets interesting....

"Paul and his companions traveled throughout the region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching the word in the province of Asia. When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to. So they passed by Mysia and went down to Troas. During the night Paul had a vision of a man of Macedonia standing and begging him, "Come over to Macedonia and help us." After Paul had seen the vision, we got ready at once to leave for Macedonia, concluding that God had called us to preach the gospel to them."

Do you see it?? Paul had a plan to retrace his steps from his first ministry journey, that was his plan. But God had a different plan. He, via the Spirit, prevented Paul and his team from entering into Asia and Bithynia...and instead directed them to Troas where they met up with Luke (the author of Acts). It was while the team was in Troas that He, God, gave Paul a vision to get up and go to Macedonia (which wasn't even on Paul's radar). So Paul and his companions, including Luke, went immediately to minister in Macedonia and God blessed thier ministry richly.

Parallel much? I really felt like God put that message on the pastor's heart to minister directly to me today. And apparently so did everyone else on the staff team, because they all said something. HAHAHA, it was pretty funny!

The pastor offered advice about what to do when you find yourself "in the fog," not knowing where God is going to put you next.
1) Don't force your move -- Galatians 5:16,
2) Find today's blessing,
3) Step where you can see -- Psalm 119:105 and Proverbs 4:18,
4) Get close with God when you are confused,
5) Seek inside yourself and determine if you are willing -- 2 Chronicles 16:9.
Good Advice!!

The challenge: Are you willing to allow God to redirect your life? Would you go? You never know where God will lead you...if you find doors being shut keep seeking God, chances are He's preparing to bless you in a mighty big way!

Please pray that I can continue to stay faithful to God's calling and that I allow Him to fully direct my path and place me where He desires me to be.

The Mountains

"As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people both now and forevermore." Psalm 125:2 NIV

My friend Dee shared this verse with me today as we were walking back from Starbucks after having a nice iced grande half-caf Americano 2 pumps white mocha, 2 pumps hazelnut, some non-fat milk and one sweet and low...yeah she ordered it and I said, "I'll have the same". Worked out nicely since it was significantly cheaper than the grande non-fat mocha I usually would order. Ok, now that we have my Starbucks order accounted for let's get on to the good stuff...or should I say God stuff.

So when Dee was doing her quiet time this morning she was reading a few passages in Psalms and this verse she said made her think of me and my current situation. I've been saying a lot that "God has my back, God has my back" and she wanted to remind me that God isn't just standing behind me pushing me forward or propping me up, but He also goes before me and clears the path, He surrounds me like a hug, pure love and protection and He stands beside me and offers support and encouragement, and even challenges along the way. What a great God we serve. Read the verse again. God is surrounding me like the mountains surround the city of Jerusalem, now and FOREVERMORE!!

Just a few verses later in Psalm 126:3, "The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy".

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength. And He has got me, completely, fully, 100%!

one long trip...and that was just getting here!

I am sitting here, all alone in the the Project House. A rare treat to be sure! Those of you that know me really know me know much I value my time alone to just mellow out. I love being on Project, but I have to savor these moments when I have them.

So tonight will be my first full night in the house since I didn't actually get to Fort Collins until around 2:30am last night/this morning. Yesterday was a crazy travel day for me and with out getting into all the gory details I'll just say I spent 5 unexpected hours in St. Louis waiting for weather in Denver to clear, finally arrived in Denver 6 hours late and then proceeded to wait another 2 hours to collect another intern from her flight which was also delayed. All total I was traveling from 11am eastern time to 2:30am mountain (4:30 eastern) yesterday. It was a LOOOOONG day!

One of the great things about travel delays (if there is a good thing about a travel delay) it's that it gives a person a lot of opportunity to get things done. While I was sitting for 2 hours in the terminal at St. Louis yesterday I actually wrote a post to put on here. It was all about friendships and how people hurt each other, ya da ya da ya da. Essentially, it was a very self-serving, passive aggressive bit of writing. Since I would have to pay $8 just to get on the Internet in the airport I chose to type what I wanted to say and save it as a word document intending to post it once I got to the house. I will not be posting what I wrote yesterday...at least not what I intended to post....

God has a funny way of working in my heart and mind. After spending 2.5 hours sitting in the terminal, we got to spend another 2 hours sitting on the plane on the runway...more fun. I decided to put that time to good use to read an article that Colby (the Project Director) emailed us. The article is called "Moving from Solitude, to Community, to Ministry" by Henri Nouwen. I have actually skimmed this same article the past 2 summers but this time I read it God really used parts of the Community section to deal in my heart with the post I had written just an hour earlier. After reading the article I wrote a little in my journal and I'm going to share that now:

Nouwen says, "With-in the discipline of community are the disciplines of forgiveness and celebration...What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is to allow the other person to not be God. Forgiveness says," I know you love me, but you don't have to love me unconditionally because no human can do that." To forgive others for being able to give you only a little love--that's a hard discipline. To keep asking others for forgiveness because you can only give them a little love--that's a hard discipline, too"

Hello, shot of humility. Humble pie for sure! I hear you Lord, loud and clear. I can acknowledge that I'm hurt, but I have to forgive imperfect people because we are all imperfect. It is hypocritical of me to call someone to task for behaviors that I myself exhibit. Trying to inflict pain because I hurt, that doesn't lead to community and it can only hurt my ministry. That isn't saying I should go back to being a doormat...but I should understand that imperfect people make messed up decisions. Imperfect people hurt other imperfect people. And since we are all imperfect we have all probably been at both sides of those exchanges at one point or other. It's not for me to judge or intentionally hurt someone. That wont make me feel better, at least not in the long run. All I can do is try to love the way Christ loves, imperfect as I am.

.......

I'm confused. Initially, when I decided to leave PBA and follow after God's plan for my life, I thought I had a pretty decent understanding as to what that would mean and where I would end up. I was 95% sure I was supposed to leave PBA and move back to the Pensacola area to live with family and get a job to pay down my debt so I could join AIA staff full time. So that's what I was going to do. I began looking into jobs in the P'Cola area, just to see what's available up that way and guess what I discovered....there aren't any jobs up that way. Awesome! Still I trusted that God would provide. I have time.

Let me just take a quick time out here to say that I still trust God will provide and I do still believe He has something great planned for my next step...I'm just becoming increasingly confused as to what and where that might be.

Ok so, going back a couple weeks out of the blue I get a call asking me to apply for a position that I NEVER would have considered if I were still at PBA. But the more I thought and prayed about this opening the more I became convinced that that was where God was leading me. So then...yeah, there's a then....I got a call today that they have actually offered the position to someone else. Supposedly there is still a good possibility that the person they offered it to will ultimatly decline, but I just don't know. I do know I am a good fit for that position. I know that there are so many ways I can see that path fitting in with God's plan. And I know that if that's where I'm ultimatly supposed to go next then God will make it happen...but it's just so confusing and a little defeating. I'll admit, I honestly didn't think I would struggle to find some form of employment... So now I'm trying to figure out if I should just start applying all over the place to see what opens up for me, or if I wait this out and see....

I know God's got me. I know this will all work out. I know that when the timing is right, accoridng to His timing, God will reveal the next step to me. I'm trying to be faithful, patient, trusting, and all those other things a good Disciple is supposed to be. But like the Disciples of the Bible, I struggle with doubt, fear, anxiety, faithlessness, depression, and weakness. Maybe the key is to stop trying to "figure out God" and just rest in His Grace, Mercy, Peace, Strength, Security and Goodness. He's Got Me!! I will not fall, I will not fail. My future may not be what I expected, or even what I desire right now, but ultimatly I pray it is for His Glory and for my growth as His child. I'm your's Lord, send me, I will go.

Disney Days and an Empty(ish) Apartment

This past weekend (Sunday night through Wednesday morning) I went to Disney World with my parents, my sister Shanna, my neice Ashlie and my nephew Bryson. In case you don't know, Disney is magical! I know I'm 28 and supposed to be too cool for all of that, but I have to admit I get a special feeling when I walk through the gates of the Magic Kingdom and catch my 'first' glimpse of Main Street and the Castle. And being their with my precious A and B makes it even more amazing. By the end of the few days we had there I was dying..my feet were killing me, my back hurt, and I was exhausted...but it was so worth it! I spent WAY too much money on the kids, but that's what aunts do, and the candied Mickey apple was definitely a "must have" item! ;)

Yesterday dad and I drove back to WP to load as much of my stuff as possible in the small trailer mom uses for her art shows and the back of his explorer. It's amazing how much stuff I have!! After all that we did I still have a couch, coffee table, cedar chest, armour, wing back chair, rocking chair, and dresser in my apartment. It's so weird to see it bare, but not totally bare. I have to get through the next 5 days with out a car or TV or actually the ability to cook in my apartment. That's nuts!! This whole following after God thing is great and all. It really is. But it stresses me out. hahaha. Not in a "what on earth am I doing?" way, but more in a "Lord, where are you sending me, and just exactly when are you going to share that information with me?" kinda way. I know He's got me...I just want to see where He's taking me!

Emotional Intelligence

First off can I please tell you that in the title of this post I initially misspelled "intelligence" and had to check the book cover to get the correct spelling?...yea, off to a good start! ;)

In preparation for Colorado Project all the staff and interns had to do this EQi assessment that basically asks you a lot of questions that you answer on a likert scale. Then you recieve this packet of information that tells you what areas of emotional intelligence you are strong at and which you need to work on. I'm definitely over simplifying the process and science of this assessment, but if you want more information you can look up "The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success" by Stein and Book.

So, based solely off my packet (I have a phone meeting w/ Nicole tonight to go over all of this) I need to do some work on the areas of self-regard and assertiveness...yea, no big suprises there! Seriously though...I scored significantly lower on those to subscales than on any of the other 13, they were the only ones my score registers as an "area for enrichment" some others come close, but are still considered "effective functioning". In none of the subscales did I score "enhanced skills" so I guess there's room for improvement across the board when it comes to my emotional intelligence. I'm not terribly shocked, but it's kinda funny to see it in plain black and white like that. At least now I have a pretty good idea what my mentor and I are going to be working on improving in me over the summer!

Time to work on thinking good thoughts about myself and speaking my mind a bit more!! ;) There I go over simplifying things again!

For the Sake of the Call

They played this song at church this morning that I had never heard before, but that spoke so clearly to how I desire to live my life that I absolutely had to share it with you. The song is "For the Sake of The Call" by Steven Curtis Chapman. It is about the response of the disciples to Jesus's call for them to turn from thier lives and follow Him. It is a radical calling. Faith, true faith, requires action. Salvation is not about "accepting" Jesus, but surrendering your everything to the one true Lord.

Nobody stood and applauded them

So they knew from the start

This road would not lead to fame

All they really knew for sure

Was Jesus had called to them

He said "come follow Me" and they came

With reckless abandon, they came

Empty nets lying there at the water's edge

Told a story that few could believe

And none could explain

How some crazy fishermen agreed to go where Jesus went

With no thought to what they would gain

For Jesus had called them by name

And they answered...

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call

No other reason at all but the sake of the call

Wholly devoted to live and to die for the sake of the call

The sake of the call

Drawn like rivers are drawn to the sea

There's no turning back, for the water cannot help but flow

Once we hear the Savior's call, we'll follow wherever He leads

Because of the love He has shown

And because He has called us to go

We will answer...

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call

No other reason at all but the sake of the call

Wholly devoted to live and to die

Not for the sake of a creed or a cause

Not for a dream or a promise

Simply because it is Jesus who called

And if we believe we'll obey

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call

No other reason at all but the sake of the call

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call

No other reason at all but the sake of the call

Wholly devoted to live and to die for the sake of the call

For the sake of the call

We will abandon it all

I want to live like that. I desire to have a radical faith because I want to be a pleasure to God. I don't want to waste this life He's given me, I want to serve Him. And that means pushing my comfort zone...which is very...uncomfortable. And possibly it means Him leading me to places I never expected, or even considered. I pray I will be faithful for the sake of the call.

My Funny, Funny Abba Father

All I can say right now is that God sure has a sense of humor! In the Bible, God is referred to as "Abba Father", which is roughly translated as "daddy". I've always thought there is a major difference between a father and a daddy...it does not take much to be a father (in fact just one simple act), but it takes a lifetime of commitment to be a daddy. Daddies have personality, they have compassion, they express love and model the way thier children should grow, and live, and be. If my earthly daddy can have a great sense of humor (which he does!) then it is only to be expected that my heavenly Daddy, who is perfect in all things, would have the absolute greatest sense of humor! It's a funny relationship we have, me and my God. I know He laughs with me, and sometimes I'm sure He laughs at me...but the times I enjoy the most is are those time He makes me laugh. He makes me giggle, chuckle, belly laugh. Sometimes I just have to say "Really, God? Really..?" and then just laugh.... :)

Pictures!

With 2 of my favorite former athletes/friends.

Baseball players...the good ones! ;)

With my student Carrie, she had to put up with my insanity ALL YEAR!!!

Me and my soccer boys!

So as I said last night was great. I felt so loved and blessed by those people that took time away from thier busy lives (and during finals week!) to come and love on me a little bit. Here are just a few of the great photos from last night.

loved!!!

I am feeling so loved right now!! Tonight was my big going away shibang and it was good, great, grand...wonderful! Coworkers, friends, and athletes all came out to wish me well and say goodbye (even though I technically have another 22 days here in WP.) I am so priviledged to have had the opportunity to share my life with such fabulous people these past 4 years! Thanks to Em and Brit for pitching in and helping Holly orchastrate the great scrapbook full of love notes...ok not love notes, but close enough. Thanks to Dawn for the cake and Karem for the decorations, you guys are too sweet. And Holly....I don't even know what to say. Words cannot express how precious our friendship is to me! Thankfully we both realize that this move is far from being goodbye, just a see ya later...sucks that we wont be spending all day, everyday together anymore, but our friendship will survive!! ;) Seriously though, I had a great time tonight and am so grateful for the cards, gifts, pictures and memories that were shared with me. I promise to post some pictures soon...there are some good ones!! All my love!

Friends

Through-out my life I have been blessed with the most amazing friends and family. Whether those relationships have lasted 20+ years or just a few months they have all shaped the woman I am becoming today. This weekend I've had the great fortune of getting to spend time with a few of these special people and it's gotten me thinking about my past, present and future friendships. I've realized I have this really bad habit of "shutting down" whenever I'm dealing with a difficult situation or making a big life change. When I was graduating HS and preparing to move to Orlando I remember my dad getting on to me because I was exceptionally snippy toward my family, exceedingly moody whenever I was home, and basically just not too fun to be around. It was almost as if I was trying to start fights to make it easier for me to move without the pain and heartache that always accompanies leaving those closest to you to go somewhere new. As someone who struggles to develop relationships with people because of my own insecurities and hangups, I often have found it "easier" to almost avoid people, even good friends, whenever I'm in the midst of a personal struggle not only to save them the hassel, but save myself the pain that inevitably comes with the next move. I've caught myself doing both those things (getting snippy or just avoiding people and situations) a couple times this week. I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with (work with) this past year, but this is a different thing. This is a behavior I need to get undercontrol or risk alienating my friends here in West Palm just before I leave. Leaving is hard, even though it's my decision, it's still hard. I have, against all odds, been blessed with some amazing friendships since I moved to WP and I am going to miss my S. FL. friends terribly once I move. I must make sure to put everything I have into making these last 3 weeks great. There is so much to fit it, so many things I want to do, people I want to spend real, quality time with, before I get on that plane on the 25th. I am going to "fight the funk" that I'm so predisposed to in order to make these last few outings as enjoyable as they can be. If you see me don't let me succumb to this ridiculousness. Get me out of my house, don't allow me to hide from my future by pretending it's not happening. Keep me in your prayers as I'm preparing myself mentally, physically, and spiritually to make this move. Call me out if I'm being stupid...it happens more often than I care to admit!

New Type of Move

I was thinking today how weird it feels to be moving...again. I have moved so much since I left Pensacola 10 years ago. Wow...I can't believe it's been 10 years!! For some reason this move seems different. I'm having a harder time reconciling myself to the move, which is a bit odd since it was my decision. So I thought about this today. Why is this move any different from the rest? I left home at 18 to start college in Orlando. Then I left UCF in 2004 for graduate school. I moved away from Columbia, SC and headed to WPB 4 years ago to start my first "real" job. And now I'm leaving WPB to pursue the future God has chosen for me...whatever that may be. Do you see the break in the pattern? Every move up until this one was expected, anticipated, "normal". This one literally came out of left field and considering the circumstances could be considered anything buty "normal". This is the first time I've made a decision to move that wasn't based on what would be considered "the next logical step". This is the very first time in my life I'm basically walking away from what is safe, predictable, "normal" and instead trying something that doesn't fall in any plan I ever had. I guess that's why it's different. This move wasn't really expected. I haven't really mentally prepared myself for this one like I did the others. And this time I am the only one moving. Almost every other time several people left whereever I was at the same time...generally because we had graduated from whatever school we were in at the time. This time, well this time it's just me. It was my decision. Not based on the end of anything, at least not a "set" end. I don't even know if any of this makes sense to anyone but me. But at least I have identified why this one is so different. Interesting....well, at least it is to me! ;)

walking thoughts...

This morning I went for walk...for an hour...it was nice. ;) West Palm Beach is so beautiful, at least along the intercoastal. The sky was perfectly blue, the breeze was blowing, and nice long walk gave me lots of time to think about my life, work, summer plans...I thought about "my kids" and everything I'm going to be leaving behind here in West Palm in less than a month. Instead of getting sad, I decided to think back over my time at PBA and celebrate the little things that have happend that affirmed me, my work, and gave me a sense of purpose at PBA. There are so many little things that add up to me feeling so loved by my PBA family. I have notes all over my office from athletes encouraging me or just telling me to smile or that they love me. I've had athletes bring me flowers, prizes, Plant City strawberries. Some of my former athletes have become some of my very best friends, in fact I have the honor of doing a reading at the wedding of two of my absolute favs in just a few months. The text messages I recieve from my kids have often been that little bit of encouragement I needed to get through a difficult day or struggle. I know that God blessed me with these amazing athletes to help guide and grow my faith. Not only have my athletes themselves amazed me with thier love and support, but even thier parents have shown me amazing kindness. Flowers, notes, financial support for my summer missions...I'm absolutely floored that they see me worthy of their time. Leaving PBA is hard. It really is. But it has been such a blessing to get a glimpse of the way I've impacted my athletes lives. I never anticipated the response I'm getting from them in the last month of my tenure at PBA. This is the final week of class...finals week is next week...that means I have just a few days left with most of "my kids". I will miss them immeasurably, I cannot express how much I will miss them, but I am going to focus of celebrating the love I have for them and the relationships I'll take away from my time here will last for a long time, many for eternity and I can't wait! If you are one of "my kids" and you are reading this....I love you! Thank you so much for 4 amazing years of memories! You will be missed!

Last PBA FCA

So this week is my last week as advisor to the fellowship of christian athletes at PBA. FCA is such an important ministry to me because it was actually at an FCA event in middle school when God first really grabbed ahold of my heart. In coming to PBA 4 years ago I was dissappointed to see how little the FCA ministry was beign utilized, or in fact how little the FCA ministry actually ministered to the student-athletes. During my second year Holly, Kimmy and I got a fire to change and restructure FCA at PBA to be more student lead and ministry focused...and here we are just a couple years later. I wouldn't say FCA is a huge ministry, but it is definitely student lead and focused on serving the Lord. I just love my FCA leaders and it makes my heart ache to think about moving away from this ministry. Tonight we did something a little different than we usually do on Monday evenings. Tonight we had an open mic. night and invited everyone to share a testimony, scripture, or specifics on what God has been doing in thier lives within the past year. I cannot express how amazing it was to sit there and listen to these college students get up and lay their garbage out bear and vulnerable knowing that they could because God has delivered them from that sin and forgiven them and they no longer live in bondage to that part of their former lives. It was a blessing to hear the scriptures that have spoken to people during both difficult and joyful times. I just find so much joy in hearing how God is working in others lives, and pray that in sharing my experiences can in turn be a blessing to others. I have just 1 more leadership meeting and 1 more large FCA chapel event before my time as staff advisor is done. I have thoroughly enjoyed this ministry opportunity and I can only hope that the experiences of this year will have prepared me in some small way for the new life I feel I'm being called to as a full time staff member in a sports ministry. It shall be interesting to see! ;)

So here's the deal...

Grab a seat, cause this is going to be a long one. I know my decision to leave PBA doesn't make a lot of sense to many people. Even less so since I turned in my resignation without having a "next job" lined up. I thought I really didn't care if people understood my reasoning as long as they respected the decision I've made. Well it turns out that I care a little more than I thought. That would be why I've decided to lay it all bear in this blog. So let's go back several months to last June...

So the past 2 summers I've gone to Colorado to volunteer with AIA for a couple weeks in Ft. Collins. Last June, while in CO, I distinctly felt God telling me to prepare my heart because He was calling me into full time ministry. My intitial reaction was "No way, not gunna happen, not this girl!" But then I started to really think and pray about the calling I was feeling. Before that day I would have said I planned to stay at PBA for the next 20 years. I loved my job and the athletes I'm responsible for. Of course I had my bad days and rough patches, but I was working with people I could really respect and enjoy. So I committed myself to praying about this random, out of no where calling, and prepared to return to my 4th year at PBA.

In August I returned to PBA and for some reason life just seemed way more difficult that it. I was discontent and restless. I felt...tied down and trapped. No by any one situation or even necessarily by my job, but just in my life. I continued to pray about discovery God's will for the next season of my life and I enlisted others to pray with and for me. I continued to serve my athletes and advise the FCA leadership team. I enjoyed the relationships that developed naturally through those roles, but still felt "off".

Fast forward to the beginning of the spring semester...the discontect has grown and my ability to sleep through the night has significantly dimished (not good!) Try however I might I could not move past what I thought was just a long standing "funk".

Let me share something I wrote in my journal in February...
"My joy is missing, I lost it somewhere. I hear God calling me somewhere new. Challenging me to walk away from what I know and step into the wide open unknown. I'm scared to take that step. There are so many things ($, insurance, pride, fear, concern for what other people will think) that are holding me in place. It would be "easier" if the choice were taken from my hand, but I want the testimony that comes with stepping out in faith. Is that wrong? My heart seeks joy and peace and contentment and I now to experience those to the fullest I must trust God and seek Him. I am not good enough to warrent His blessing. Is it all in my head? Have I manufactured this scenerio in my mind or is it truley God's spirit moving me into making this decision and move? What do I do?"

And now March...
"Is it time? Do I have to give up all my worldly security to grab hold of God's truth in my life? Do I have enough faith to do that? Do I trust God enough? How do I know that this prompting is of God and not in my own head? Am I seeking glory? Can I trust myself to serve God selflessly? Why do I feel like I am the only person to feel this way when I know that is not the truth? Does God relly want me in His service? Am I crazy? Is God keeping me awake at night? Why is my soul not quiet? Will this path lead to peace in this life? Is this just a season or a new direction? What if I take this step and it takes me off God's true plan for me, what will happen to me then? Will God bless a step of misguided faith? Or a misguided step of faith? What does God want me to do? Who does God want me to be? Where does God want me to be? When will I know His plan for me in this time? Can I serve? Can I really do this? Can I turn my back on wordly expectations and cling to the obscure images I have of waht God is calling me to? Who am I in Him? How will I beome the woman He wants me to be?"

As you can see I was seriously conflicted. The bottom exerpt was written on Palm Sunday. Just 2 days before I turned in my notice. That day I bawled through the entire service at church and I went up front at the end of the service to speak with my paster. I told him about the calling I was feeling to leave my current job, with out a safety net or back up plan, and all about my fear in taking that kind of step. He said one thing to me that enabled me to finally make the decision to surrender to God's plan and leave PBA. He said, "Jen, it is better to make a misstep attempting to follow after God's plan for your life, than to stay still out of fear."

So I did it. I turned in my notice, told the staff and students and began to plan for the big move and my 6 weeks in Colorado. I can't explain the sense of peace and freedom I have right now. Sure I have my little moments of anxiety because of the uncertainty of my future...but I just keep reminding myself that my future is certain to God and that I can trust Him completely. "He has my back" is more or less my mantra these days.

I don't expect this blog post to answer all the questions everyone has for me. But I hope it helps clarify things a bit. This is not a decision I made lightly or even very quickly. I truely am seeking to live out God's will for my life and I pray He will bless this leap of faith. But even if He doesn't "come through" quite like I expect or hope, even if I fall on my face, my God is and will always be God and I will continue to worship and praise Him with my life. Like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego I belive my God can deliver me, but even if He chooses not to He is still my God and I pray I will always be faithful.

Big Changes This Way

Okay, so I'm one of those people who swore I would never have a blog. Then I started to think that maybe I would write a blog for this summer while I'm in Colorado, just to keep my supporters informed of my life in the Project house. And now, well now so much has changed or is set to change in the next month that I figured now would be a great time to start writing down my thoughts to share with friends and family...mainly because it will save me from telling the same story 700 million times. ;) I don't have time to get into it all right this second, but give me a couple days, check back and I'm sure there will be plenty for you to read and enjoy!