Rough Stuff...

Yesterday was a difficult day in my world. We are in the middle of staff prep week, which means that it's time to start discussing and processing some of our junk with each other. So on top of being tired from staying up late into the evenings working on "atmosphere" stuff for the house, and sitting in the staff room for hours on end discussing ministry tools, plans for Project, etc...we got to sit down and work through our EQi's (emotional intelligence). Not as fun as it sounds. haha. Add to that emotional unpacking, yesterday I got a call that I did not get a job I thought I was perfect for and that was going to be perfect me...I didn't even get a formal interview. Needless to say I was incredibly frustrated. I was upset and that made me even more vulnerable...awesome... I definitely cried in my peer group EQi time because I was talking about the things I need to work on (assertiveness and self regard). Both those issues are the result of years and years of deep seated insecurities and having to go through all of those emotions in front of women I don't know super well...very difficult. But I survived and, aside from being tired after all the upheaval of yesterday, I am feeling pretty good. I'm looking forward to getting through staff prep week and the student's arrival on Saturday. Next week will be crazy and intense, but we have tomorrow off which is awesome. I think I'm going to waste some money on a pedicure because that makes me feel good...then I'll probably grab a book and go to City Park to just lay in the sun and relax..heavenly!!

"It's 'Be still and know that I am God'...not 'Be still and know the plan'" :)

OK can we please talk about how amazing God is?! Seriously, He does the coolest things! Last night at our "Share and Prayer" time I shared my testimony with the Project staff. I told them about my grad school mess and my transformation at PBA and then I told them about how I have felt God calling me in a new direction and how that calling has resulted me leaving PBA and not having a clue what is next. I shared about my habit of trying to predict God and getting disappointed when things fall through. I told them I'm trying to just do what God has asked and trust and wait on Him. Not the easiest thing for a planner to do, but I'm trying.

So then...this morning at church the pastor's message was on Acts 16:1-10. The first 5 verses are about Paul's ministry, how he recruited Timothy to join his ministry, and what their first few stops were like. Verses 6-10 is where it gets interesting....

"Paul and his companions traveled throughout the region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching the word in the province of Asia. When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to. So they passed by Mysia and went down to Troas. During the night Paul had a vision of a man of Macedonia standing and begging him, "Come over to Macedonia and help us." After Paul had seen the vision, we got ready at once to leave for Macedonia, concluding that God had called us to preach the gospel to them."

Do you see it?? Paul had a plan to retrace his steps from his first ministry journey, that was his plan. But God had a different plan. He, via the Spirit, prevented Paul and his team from entering into Asia and Bithynia...and instead directed them to Troas where they met up with Luke (the author of Acts). It was while the team was in Troas that He, God, gave Paul a vision to get up and go to Macedonia (which wasn't even on Paul's radar). So Paul and his companions, including Luke, went immediately to minister in Macedonia and God blessed thier ministry richly.

Parallel much? I really felt like God put that message on the pastor's heart to minister directly to me today. And apparently so did everyone else on the staff team, because they all said something. HAHAHA, it was pretty funny!

The pastor offered advice about what to do when you find yourself "in the fog," not knowing where God is going to put you next.
1) Don't force your move -- Galatians 5:16,
2) Find today's blessing,
3) Step where you can see -- Psalm 119:105 and Proverbs 4:18,
4) Get close with God when you are confused,
5) Seek inside yourself and determine if you are willing -- 2 Chronicles 16:9.
Good Advice!!

The challenge: Are you willing to allow God to redirect your life? Would you go? You never know where God will lead you...if you find doors being shut keep seeking God, chances are He's preparing to bless you in a mighty big way!

Please pray that I can continue to stay faithful to God's calling and that I allow Him to fully direct my path and place me where He desires me to be.

The Mountains

"As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people both now and forevermore." Psalm 125:2 NIV

My friend Dee shared this verse with me today as we were walking back from Starbucks after having a nice iced grande half-caf Americano 2 pumps white mocha, 2 pumps hazelnut, some non-fat milk and one sweet and low...yeah she ordered it and I said, "I'll have the same". Worked out nicely since it was significantly cheaper than the grande non-fat mocha I usually would order. Ok, now that we have my Starbucks order accounted for let's get on to the good stuff...or should I say God stuff.

So when Dee was doing her quiet time this morning she was reading a few passages in Psalms and this verse she said made her think of me and my current situation. I've been saying a lot that "God has my back, God has my back" and she wanted to remind me that God isn't just standing behind me pushing me forward or propping me up, but He also goes before me and clears the path, He surrounds me like a hug, pure love and protection and He stands beside me and offers support and encouragement, and even challenges along the way. What a great God we serve. Read the verse again. God is surrounding me like the mountains surround the city of Jerusalem, now and FOREVERMORE!!

Just a few verses later in Psalm 126:3, "The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy".

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength. And He has got me, completely, fully, 100%!

one long trip...and that was just getting here!

I am sitting here, all alone in the the Project House. A rare treat to be sure! Those of you that know me really know me know much I value my time alone to just mellow out. I love being on Project, but I have to savor these moments when I have them.

So tonight will be my first full night in the house since I didn't actually get to Fort Collins until around 2:30am last night/this morning. Yesterday was a crazy travel day for me and with out getting into all the gory details I'll just say I spent 5 unexpected hours in St. Louis waiting for weather in Denver to clear, finally arrived in Denver 6 hours late and then proceeded to wait another 2 hours to collect another intern from her flight which was also delayed. All total I was traveling from 11am eastern time to 2:30am mountain (4:30 eastern) yesterday. It was a LOOOOONG day!

One of the great things about travel delays (if there is a good thing about a travel delay) it's that it gives a person a lot of opportunity to get things done. While I was sitting for 2 hours in the terminal at St. Louis yesterday I actually wrote a post to put on here. It was all about friendships and how people hurt each other, ya da ya da ya da. Essentially, it was a very self-serving, passive aggressive bit of writing. Since I would have to pay $8 just to get on the Internet in the airport I chose to type what I wanted to say and save it as a word document intending to post it once I got to the house. I will not be posting what I wrote yesterday...at least not what I intended to post....

God has a funny way of working in my heart and mind. After spending 2.5 hours sitting in the terminal, we got to spend another 2 hours sitting on the plane on the runway...more fun. I decided to put that time to good use to read an article that Colby (the Project Director) emailed us. The article is called "Moving from Solitude, to Community, to Ministry" by Henri Nouwen. I have actually skimmed this same article the past 2 summers but this time I read it God really used parts of the Community section to deal in my heart with the post I had written just an hour earlier. After reading the article I wrote a little in my journal and I'm going to share that now:

Nouwen says, "With-in the discipline of community are the disciplines of forgiveness and celebration...What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is to allow the other person to not be God. Forgiveness says," I know you love me, but you don't have to love me unconditionally because no human can do that." To forgive others for being able to give you only a little love--that's a hard discipline. To keep asking others for forgiveness because you can only give them a little love--that's a hard discipline, too"

Hello, shot of humility. Humble pie for sure! I hear you Lord, loud and clear. I can acknowledge that I'm hurt, but I have to forgive imperfect people because we are all imperfect. It is hypocritical of me to call someone to task for behaviors that I myself exhibit. Trying to inflict pain because I hurt, that doesn't lead to community and it can only hurt my ministry. That isn't saying I should go back to being a doormat...but I should understand that imperfect people make messed up decisions. Imperfect people hurt other imperfect people. And since we are all imperfect we have all probably been at both sides of those exchanges at one point or other. It's not for me to judge or intentionally hurt someone. That wont make me feel better, at least not in the long run. All I can do is try to love the way Christ loves, imperfect as I am.

.......

I'm confused. Initially, when I decided to leave PBA and follow after God's plan for my life, I thought I had a pretty decent understanding as to what that would mean and where I would end up. I was 95% sure I was supposed to leave PBA and move back to the Pensacola area to live with family and get a job to pay down my debt so I could join AIA staff full time. So that's what I was going to do. I began looking into jobs in the P'Cola area, just to see what's available up that way and guess what I discovered....there aren't any jobs up that way. Awesome! Still I trusted that God would provide. I have time.

Let me just take a quick time out here to say that I still trust God will provide and I do still believe He has something great planned for my next step...I'm just becoming increasingly confused as to what and where that might be.

Ok so, going back a couple weeks out of the blue I get a call asking me to apply for a position that I NEVER would have considered if I were still at PBA. But the more I thought and prayed about this opening the more I became convinced that that was where God was leading me. So then...yeah, there's a then....I got a call today that they have actually offered the position to someone else. Supposedly there is still a good possibility that the person they offered it to will ultimatly decline, but I just don't know. I do know I am a good fit for that position. I know that there are so many ways I can see that path fitting in with God's plan. And I know that if that's where I'm ultimatly supposed to go next then God will make it happen...but it's just so confusing and a little defeating. I'll admit, I honestly didn't think I would struggle to find some form of employment... So now I'm trying to figure out if I should just start applying all over the place to see what opens up for me, or if I wait this out and see....

I know God's got me. I know this will all work out. I know that when the timing is right, accoridng to His timing, God will reveal the next step to me. I'm trying to be faithful, patient, trusting, and all those other things a good Disciple is supposed to be. But like the Disciples of the Bible, I struggle with doubt, fear, anxiety, faithlessness, depression, and weakness. Maybe the key is to stop trying to "figure out God" and just rest in His Grace, Mercy, Peace, Strength, Security and Goodness. He's Got Me!! I will not fall, I will not fail. My future may not be what I expected, or even what I desire right now, but ultimatly I pray it is for His Glory and for my growth as His child. I'm your's Lord, send me, I will go.

Disney Days and an Empty(ish) Apartment

This past weekend (Sunday night through Wednesday morning) I went to Disney World with my parents, my sister Shanna, my neice Ashlie and my nephew Bryson. In case you don't know, Disney is magical! I know I'm 28 and supposed to be too cool for all of that, but I have to admit I get a special feeling when I walk through the gates of the Magic Kingdom and catch my 'first' glimpse of Main Street and the Castle. And being their with my precious A and B makes it even more amazing. By the end of the few days we had there I was dying..my feet were killing me, my back hurt, and I was exhausted...but it was so worth it! I spent WAY too much money on the kids, but that's what aunts do, and the candied Mickey apple was definitely a "must have" item! ;)

Yesterday dad and I drove back to WP to load as much of my stuff as possible in the small trailer mom uses for her art shows and the back of his explorer. It's amazing how much stuff I have!! After all that we did I still have a couch, coffee table, cedar chest, armour, wing back chair, rocking chair, and dresser in my apartment. It's so weird to see it bare, but not totally bare. I have to get through the next 5 days with out a car or TV or actually the ability to cook in my apartment. That's nuts!! This whole following after God thing is great and all. It really is. But it stresses me out. hahaha. Not in a "what on earth am I doing?" way, but more in a "Lord, where are you sending me, and just exactly when are you going to share that information with me?" kinda way. I know He's got me...I just want to see where He's taking me!

Emotional Intelligence

First off can I please tell you that in the title of this post I initially misspelled "intelligence" and had to check the book cover to get the correct spelling?...yea, off to a good start! ;)

In preparation for Colorado Project all the staff and interns had to do this EQi assessment that basically asks you a lot of questions that you answer on a likert scale. Then you recieve this packet of information that tells you what areas of emotional intelligence you are strong at and which you need to work on. I'm definitely over simplifying the process and science of this assessment, but if you want more information you can look up "The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success" by Stein and Book.

So, based solely off my packet (I have a phone meeting w/ Nicole tonight to go over all of this) I need to do some work on the areas of self-regard and assertiveness...yea, no big suprises there! Seriously though...I scored significantly lower on those to subscales than on any of the other 13, they were the only ones my score registers as an "area for enrichment" some others come close, but are still considered "effective functioning". In none of the subscales did I score "enhanced skills" so I guess there's room for improvement across the board when it comes to my emotional intelligence. I'm not terribly shocked, but it's kinda funny to see it in plain black and white like that. At least now I have a pretty good idea what my mentor and I are going to be working on improving in me over the summer!

Time to work on thinking good thoughts about myself and speaking my mind a bit more!! ;) There I go over simplifying things again!